Magic Bus

This sketch should be performed in the fast, snappy style of a 1940s Hollywood comedy. Good models for the cast, age (or alive-or-dead status) aside, would be:

AMY: Amy Adams in sweet mode
GEORGE: Bill Nighy in pompous-goofy mode
VIC: Robert De Niro in pretty much anything
LILY: Ruth Gordon in Harold and Maude

***

The upper level of a New York city double decker bus; everyone except the tour guide is over 80.

AMY
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to New York City’s famous Times Square. I’ll be your tour guide for the next hour, and will be happy to answer any questions you may have. Now, as we look down from the top of the bus, you can see on the right – sir? Sir, please sit down.

GEORGE
Sorry ma’am. But I must respectfully decline.

AMY
But it’s the law. Besides, it’s very dangerous.

GEORGE
Only if you can’t fly.

AMY
Well, sir – I’m sorry, are you saying you can fly?

GEORGE
That’s right.

AMY
Well, I… well. Well. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to sit down anyway. You see, when they brought the double-decker buses here, they gave us certain rules that had to be followed, and the very first one is that you’re not allowed to stand up while riding on the top deck. So if you insist on standing up we may all get in trouble. And we wouldn’t want that, now, would we?

VIC
Don’t worry, honey, if they try to nail us I’ll take care of them.

AMY
Oh, I’m sure there’ll be no need for violence.

VIC
Who said anything about violence? They’ll never even see us. I got it covered.

AMY
Forgive me, I don’t understand

VIC
I’ll cloak us.

AMY
Um…

VIC
Whatsa matter, you don’t think I can do it?

AMY
I’m not sure I know —

LILY
(shouts from the back of the bus)
I know you can’t do it, you big liar!

AMY
— what you mean.

VIC
(to LILY)
Hey! Quiet in the peanut gallery!

AMY
Sir, I –

VIC
Call me Vic.

AMY
I don’t understand.

VIC
It’s short for Victor.

AMY
What?

VIC
Joke. You’ll understand some day. Or maybe you’ll be dead first. Who knows?

AMY
That’s a terrible thing to say!

LILY
Hey girlie, you want me to zap him for ya?

VIC
I thought I told you to shut your pie hole, Lily. Lily-putian. Get it? Get it? You’re so short you’re a Liliputian!

AMY
Please!

VIC
(to LILY)
Liliputian! Liliputian! Liliputian!

LILY takes off her right shoe and throws it at VIC. It misses and hits GEORGE in the back of the head. He wobbles and nearly falls over the railing of the bus.

GEORGE
Oh!

LILY
Let’s see you fly away from that, buddyroll!

AMY
(to LILY)
Stop that!
(to VIC)
I don’t understand, cloak us. You think you can make us invisible?

GEORGE
(to LILY)
I thought you were mad at him. Why are you throwing things at me?

LILY
Ah, I’m sure you deserved it for something.

GEORGE
Madam, I resent that remark very much. Never in my life have I done anything to harm anyone. I have used my power only for good, and never to frighten, revenge, or for personal gain. Though I did once loft myself across the street when a traffic light was stuck on red; that was fun.

VIC
(to AMY)
Yeah, invisible. See, these guys, they think they got powers, but it’s all a load near as I can figure out. Old George here thinks he can fly, but I wouldn’t want him to be the wind beneath my wings, if you know what I mean. And Lily, she thinks she’s electric.

LILY
(to GEORGE)
Zzzztt. Zzzztt. Ha! You flinched. Sissy.

AMY
(to VIC)
But you really think you can make yourself invisible?

VIC
Not just me, honey – all of us. Let me ask you, do you remember us getting on?

AMY
No, but my back was turned. Anyway, the driver’s the one who takes your tickets. It’d be very easy for you to get on the bus without my seeing you, it happens all the time.

VIC
My point exactly.

AMY
It wasn’t your point at all.

VIC
Yeah, people get on the bus all the time without your seeing them. And why do you think that is?

AMY
(starting to sit in an empty seat)
Well, as I just explained….

VIC
Whoops – better watch out, you almost sat on Phyllis.

AMY
It’s empty!

VIC
As far as you know.

AMY
Oh, all right now, enough of this nonsense. We really have to press on —

A voice shouts up from the street. It’s a traffic cop.

COP
All right, who’s throwing shoes off the top of the bus? Don’t you know that could hurt somebody? This is New York City, folks, what do you – hey! What the – Hey, where the hell’d the bus go? I – holy shit!

VIC winks at AMY. LILY cackles with glee and throws her other shoe over the side of the bus.

LILY
Brilliant, Vickie! Brilliant!

COP
(from below)
Ow!

VIC
(to AMY)
Now do you believe me?

AMY
Well… I guess…

LILY
Don’t guess, sister! No guessing! You’re either with us or you aren’t, and believe me, with us is a whole lot more fun. So you gotta decide — and you gotta decide now, while we can still dump you out without attracting too much attention.

AMY
What about the people on the lower deck?

VIC
They’re all in it, sweetheart. Everybody on this bus is along for the ride, it’s just you that’s left.

AMY
But I can’t just disappear.

VIC
Oh no?

AMY
No! I’m an adult, adults don’t just disappear. I have responsibilities. I have a schedule to keep.

VIC
Yeah? What kinda schedule?

AMY
Well, I… I have to go the gym. I have to clean my apartment. I have to be the guide on this bus.

VIC
These are your appointments? Look, the bus has already disappeared, honey. We can bring it back if you really want, but… help me out here, George.

GEORGE
Don’t think of it as disappearing from here. Think of it as appearing somewhere else.

LILY
You listen to him, girlie. He’s a pompous old fart and he couldn’t fly six feet if you tied him to a Boeing, but he’s the smartest guy on this bus.

AMY
I don’t know….

VIC
It’s up to you: a life of drudgery, day in day out the same thing, same uniform, same fat silly corn fed tourists slopping around your town, or life on the road in a giant, sometimes-invisible bus. Whaddaya say?

AMY
Well… I guess… when you put it that way… Oh, why not?

She rips off her tour guide’s name tag and tosses it over the side of the bus.

VIC, LILY, GEORGE
Hooray!!!!

COP
Ow!!!

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