Dated (literally). But I still like it.

***

The Oval Office. November 16, 2004. George W. Bush sits at his desk; Condoleezza Rice bursts in.

CONDI
Mr. President! Mr. President!

GWB
Yes, Condi?

CONDI
Mr. President, I have urgent news for you.  It’s about Ohio. I don’t know how to tell you this, Sir.

GWB
Well then don’t, Condi. That’s why I had to get rid of Colin Powell, he was always trying to tell me stuff. I don’t need to know stuff. I’m the President of the United States.

CONDI
I understand that, sir, and I appreciate it. But, the fact is – well, the fact is, you’re not the President of the United States. John Kerry is.

GWB
Aw, man, are you tellin me I lost again?

CONDI
I’m afraid so, sir.

GWB
That’s so raw. I really thought they liked me better this time.

CONDI
I’m afraid not, sir. But Kerry isn’t protesting, so we’re in a bit of a bind.

GWB
I thought people not protesting was good. I thought we hated protesters. I hate protesters.

CONDI
So do I, sir. But we couldn’t have bought off the Supreme Court unless Al Gore took his case to them. With Kerry not protesting, we’ve got no one to pay off to make you the president legitimately, and they means they’re going to seriously investigate the voting in Ohio. And then we may be in trouble.

GWB
Well, that just shows how much you know, Condi.  There’s no way Kerry’s coming out on top in Ohio, I made sure of that. I’m telling you, one Ohio elections commissioner’s worth all ten supreme court justices.

CONDI
There are only nine supreme court justices, sir.

GWB
Don’t contradict me, Condi.

CONDI
Sorry, sir.

GWB
So I don’t see the problem.

CONDI
Well, sir, I’ve had word through the CIA from their undercover field agents working on the Ohio recount that it’s being run by an extremely smart and efficient group of people in a highly effective non-partisan manner, and that they’re getting very close to a true picture of the Ohio voting. And I know your motto, sir.

GWB
“Bush II: Getting Our Oil Back From Under Their Sand”?

CONDI
No, sir, your domestic issues motto.

GWB
“Ladies, Lassos and the Lord: the Glory of the American Way”?

CONDI
Um… no sir. I was thinking of “Truth is Trouble.”

GWB
No, Condi, that’s your motto. I like that you can’t tell the difference between what you think and what I think, though, that’s just the cutest thing. You are gonna be the best darn lady secretary of state I ever had.

CONDI
Sir, please, I need your focus right now. “Truth is Trouble.”

GWB
Right, right. Truth is Trouble. And you’re saying they’re scraping pretty close to the truth there in Ohio.

CONDI
That’s right, sir.

GWB
Well, Condi, what do you recommend?

CONDI
You know how I like decisiveness, sir. I believe that the only way to protect democracy and freedom across the globe is by maintaining your reputation as the freely elected leader here at home. And that means we have to make absolutely sure that that commission in Ohio doesn’t find out what really happened at those voting machines. We need to give the American people something else to think about.

GWB
We have to create a diversion.

CONDI
Of sorts, sir.

GWB
Aw, don’t use that namby-pamby pseudo-British talk, Condi, you know I can’t stand that queer crap.

CONDI
Sorry sir. “Sorta.”

GWB
That’s better. You’re gonna be all right in this job, Condi, I don’t care what they say about your qualifications.

CONDI
Well, shucks, thank you sir. Now about this diversion…

GWB
I got it! I can stand in front of a polling place with a big sign that says, “Mission Accomplished”! Do we still have that old one lying around? I thought I heard Laura say it was in the closet with my flak jacket and that dumbass goat book.

CONDI
No sir, it was destroyed by a bunch of ACT UP people and some PETA activists. But I think we need to go bigger than that, sir.

GWB
I don’t know, Condi, that sign was pretty damn big. I think you need to get a permit or something to use anything bigger.

CONDI
Not the sign, sir. The diversion.   You’ve got a much bigger problem on your hands than Iraq right now. If this thing about Ohio gets out, your tenure as the putative embodiment –

GWB
Condi…

CONDI
Sorry, as the head honcho of all that is good and just is out the window. And if that happens, you won’t be able to hang that sign again anywhere. Sir, I’m afraid we have no choice.

GWB
You mean…?

CONDI
That’s right, sir. You have to invade Ohio.

GWB
Invade Ohio! Whoooo-eeeeeeeee!!!! Bowling Green, better watch your ass!!! Cuyahoga, here I come!

CONDI
Very good, sir.

GWB
But Condi?

CONDI
Yes sir?

GWB
What’re we gonna say? I mean, I can’t just invade places for no reason, can I? Shoot, if I can do that I don’t know what I been wasting my time for with all this UN nonsense.

CONDI
Well, sir, you didn’t really bother with the UN nonsense the last time, so I don’t think that’s a problem. And let me remind you that Ohio’s in the United States. It is, in fact, one of the states that is united.

GWB
Not for long! Yeeeee-hawwwwww!!!

CONDI
Right, sir, not for long. My point is, the UN doesn’t even have jurisdiction. No one has jurisdiction. I mean – it’s Ohio. Who cares?

GWB
But still, I got to tell the people something. I mean, I don’t think even Texas is gonna be ready to blame Hussein for this one.

CONDI
No sir, I wouldn’t expect so. So I drafted a little statement for you. The reporters will be in the Rose Garden for the press conference in five minutes.

GWB

(reading)

 “Today I am sobered by a deeply disturbing discovery, and by a difficult yet necessary* decision. We have concrete evidence, uncovered by diligentious, brave men and women working under cover, of a terrorist plot unraveling in our own backyard. The beloved state of Ohio, home of the Buckeye and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, has turned out to be one of the most dangerous places on earth, and represents a gaping hole in the spiderweb of American immigration policy. We have reliable recognizance that a virtual flood of potential terrorists flows into the Ohio area on a regular basis, and have, within the last three weeks, foiled no less than seventeen individual terrorist plots. It is therefore with a heavy heart, but a strong resolve, that I announce today the relocation of all troops currently deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan to Cuyahoga County, Ohio. This is not a retreat from the conflict in the Middle East, but a tactically sound and strategically necessary maneuveration in the Middle West to maintain the sanctity of American shores and the purity of the American way of life. I want to make it very clear that, while we have no intention of using force at this time, we will leave no stone unturned when it comes to keeping America safe, and if that means that a time comes when we have to blow Ohio’s ass out of the water, we will do that.”

Oh, “blow its ass out of the water.” I like that. That’s good.

CONDI
Thank you, sir. I really tried to capture your voice.

GWB
Yeah, that’s great. Just great.

CONDI
So you’ll do it?

GWB
You betcha.

CONDI
Excellent. I believe the press just showed up. Onward, and upward!

* pronounced to rhyme with “accessory”